So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
