I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
