It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
