your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
