Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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