I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
