i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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