Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
