i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
