god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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