nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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