so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
