I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
