yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got chris browned last night
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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