If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
