hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
