I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
