She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
