i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
