Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
