who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
