Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize