You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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