New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
