she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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