sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sex in a hospital.. check
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
