I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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