u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
