We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize