so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
