Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
