she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
