I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
