i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize