The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
