I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
