ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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