I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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