I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
