I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
