Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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