And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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