Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
