im holly from the hills drunk
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
