Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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