how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize