Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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