can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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