I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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