Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
