Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
