meet me or not, i'm out of control
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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