i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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