His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
