well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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