party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize