Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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