somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
