If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We're too hungover to prance.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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