so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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