Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
