M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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