I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Sober January is a disaster.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
