Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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