Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
