im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize