I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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