I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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