i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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