No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
